It Started With a Caffeinated Calamity
by myars
Summary: An accident spurred on by Alfred's unreasonable coffee cravings causes Arthur to see double; the world was hectic enough with just one America, how about two? USUK Love it or hate it I wrote this so take it C:
1. Chapter 1

**It Started With a Caffeinated Calamity**

**Authors Note:** Inspired by a Tegaki doodle thing I saw. Written on a whim. This will likely never be finished, but since I started it I figured to share it with everyone.

**WARNING:** Slight crack ahead. Read at your own risk loves.

There was a reason that the irritable Englishman didn't like anyone shuffling though his cabinets. Sure he was a clean freak and he liked to keep his place spick and span. This did not mean he was an organized man by any definition of the word. On the contrary, magical potions were shoved in the same shelves as alcohol, pixie dust by the salt and pepper shaker, newt tails beside the cinnamon sticks, and so forth. In the man's mind this was organized for him, a system that worked well for the prim gentleman for centuries. Arthur judged himself as a man with more than enough sense to not make the mistake of mixing dubious magical ingredients with his food. He was a bachelor after all, so he doubted he would ever have a problem with a girlfriend slipping through his fridge to find something to eat then accidentally turn herself into a troll. That would do nothing for his sex life. Besides, it wasn't like he ever entertained guests much at his home since maybe the early eighties, which was depressing now that he thought about it.

The point is, Arthur Kirkland never foresaw the possibility that someone would be as uncouth as to ruffle through his things without his consent. However he failed to consider the anomaly that was Alfred F. Jones in this equation.

It was after a particularly crazy G20 get-together at a local London pub before the meeting in the morning no less. In hindsight it was a bad idea to go out drinking right before a meeting, but those there were already jetlagged and irritated; so a night of drinking, though not advisable wouldn't really change their moods much the next day anyways. So true to his alcohol-loving nature as well as being the host for the G20, Arthur decided to tag along consuming far too much and passing out at the bar.

Arthur Kirkland let go of a long crackly groan as he was awakened by frantic movements downstairs. It took him a while to process what the sound might be. His sleep addled mind managed to inform him that Alfred must have decided to stay the night to watch over his inebriated friend instead of heading back to his hotel. It was common enough for the man to do that after all. Though the American had a reputation for being an irritable wanker it was rare that he would stampede around so early in the morning like a baby elephant he seemed to be imitating. Unless he was late.

"Shit!" the man swore sitting up and disentangling frantically himself from the sheets. He didn't bother to shower, instead stripping off his clothes throwing on fresh boxers and nearly tripping on his newly shed clothes when he stopped abruptly before the clock after fetching his suit from the closet. The digital contraption informed him it was 5 am. The meeting didn't begin until 9. He sighed glad that he wouldn't have to pull a ridiculous mad dash out the house. Running his hand through his unruly blond hair he lay his suit back on his bed for later and plucked his robe off the back of his bedroom door. Slipping both arms into the sleeves he grumbled and he hobbled down the stairs. He would give the damn American brat a good talking to. There was no reasonable explanation to be causing so much noise this early. The boy knew right well that neither of them got much sleep after the fiasco at the pub last night. The stairs creaked with effort and the irritated Brit made a mental note to get that fixed. Nearing the kitchen –which seemed to be the source of the commotion- he became acutely aware of two muffled voiced. Arthur raised a rather substantial eyebrow in question. Who could the other person be? The Englishman's face flushed in embarrassment as the name of a meek Canadian came to mind. '_Ah, it must be Canada. He probably helped America to get me home. Was I really that out of it yesterday? I must have been, I don't even remember how I got home last night,_' he thought guiltily. He must have caused quite a ruckus if both the North American brothers had to lug him home. He knew he would have to apologize to Matthew for causing him so much trouble; he would not afford Alfred the same courtesy, the boy deserved any sort of trouble thrown his way as far as he was concerned. As England turned the corner to enter his kitchen his apology died in his throat.

Standing before him and obviously at ends with one another were two very confused looking blonds. One he recognized and one he didn't. There was America arguing with a strangely familiar looking young woman. He was certain he never seen her in his life but he couldn't shake the feeling of familiarity as his gaze traveled between them. They didn't seem to notice him enter as they continued to bickering with one another. America was speaking in a thick southern drawl though her inflections on different words were not specific to any state, at least not as far as Arthur could tell as he was talking far too fast. The girl on the other hand seemed to be switching between accents as well, mid-western accent one second and slick fast talking Brooklyn cab driver the next. Arthur was having trouble picking up on what they were talking about exactly. America had his fists clenched around the woman's shirt collar while she had her hands grasped around his neck as if to choke him—or at least she tried to with their substantial height difference. The Englishman noticed with a faint blush that the mystery woman wore a much too baggy dress shirt which engulfed much of her frame and nothing else.

Arthur wondered vaguely if he was still dreaming. What was this half-naked stranger doing in his kitchen with his half-naked Alfred. His stomach churned. Alfred didn't bring her there did he? He didn't sleep with her... in his house of all places! The Englishman couldn't deny that she was a very attractive from where he stood but that still didn't do much to alleviate the horrible feeling building inside him. His still sleep fuddled mind couldn't make sense of what was going on right in front of him.

"...America?" he found himself saying in almost a whisper.

**Authors Note:** Ahh shit Alfred, whatcha doing? Anywho, like I mentioned earlier this is a slightly crack fic because it contains (highlight the space for a spoiler. It's not a big spoiler mind you) Fem!America . So yeah, I know most people don't like that but I put my own little twist on it to make it entertaining. If there are any mistakes sorry, I don't have a beta. This is a really short chapter for my standards, originally the second chapter was connected with this one but I figured this was as good a spot as any to stop and give you guys a little cliff hanger. Next chapter will be up soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you **TheWonderBunny** for your review and to everyone else who put this on their story alerts! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint C: I had this finished LONG ago but I got distracted with life and kept forgetting to post it XD

**Chapter 2**

Immediately the bickering halted and two identical pairs of baby blues looked to him. "Iggy!" they cried in unison bounding over to him like frightened puppies.

"Tell this crazy impersonator to get out of here!" Alfred demanded grabbing onto his arm.

"No way! You are the imposter! I don't know how the hell you look exactly like me. _YOU_ get out and let go of Iggy!" the woman screamed back grabbing on the other arm tugging the Englishman closer to her.

"I don't know what you are talking about lady! You look nothing like me!"

"Who are you calling a lady? I'm not a lady!"

"That's not what _these_ say!" America declared boldly grabbing the woman's breasts. She shrieked in surprise, unlatching from England to slap the all powerful nation in the face. The sound echoed and the man immediately released the woman caressing his throbbing cheek, glasses askew and eyes wide. England couldn't stop gawking either, it took a lot to injure America and this woman just hurt THE United States of America with a mere slap. "...Ow" murmured Alfred.

The two silent nations regarded her with silent surprise and wonder as the woman seemed to be dealing with a dilemma of her own. The mystery blonde looked down at her body, an expression of horror reaching every inch of her face as she took in the sight of herself. She also took a gander at her reflection in the stainless steel fridge shocked at what she saw. "You gotta be kidding me" she murmured feeling her breasts as if to check if they were real or not. They probably weren't, the Brit noted she was a bit on the top-heavy side.

"Miss, who are you..?" England questioned a substantial brow rising as he finally interrupted her... moment.

"What kind of question is that? I'm America" she replied.

"No you aren't!" Alfred shouted in protest.

"Yes I am!" she asserted her expression growing fiercer.

"Are no-"

"Would you two please just stop your bloody bickering for one second?" the annoyed Brit snapped effectively silencing them. He rubbed his temples, "look lady, I don't know who you are and how you know about us nations-".

"But I am a nation! I am America," she pressed on face coloring and eyes watering in frustration. "Look Iggy, England, _Arthur_. I know right now I don't look like myself but it's me. America. You oughta know that best right? You raised me".

She seemed to deflate when Arthur still shot her a disbelieving scowl. "How can I make you believe me when you aren't even listening..?" she questioned in a small voice. Dismayed, the woman cast her eyes downward looking as if she would burst into tears any moment. It reminded him of Alfred, those puppy dog eyes were something the boy used to do when Arthur scolded him as a child. His scowl began to decrease in potency as he stopped to get a good look at the young lady. Actually, a lot about this woman reminded him of Alfred. Her hair for one was the same exact shade though it was short wispy locks curled in a bob at the ends instead of straight, she was even missing obnoxious cowlick of her alleged male counterpart. Her eyes were the same vibrant and captivating azure he had known for years. Besides the obvious differences she was exactly like Alfred. Her posture was slouched, the way she expressed anger, the childishness, the nickname she used to call him- it spoke volumes. This girl was a stunning female replica of the young self-proclaimed hero right down to the finer details of her behaviour. If he had the time to get a lab to run tests he would wouldn't be surprised to find the results came to reflect that their DNA was identical. How could she exactly like America but not?

"How did you get in here?" Alfred asked sick of keeping his mouth shut, he wants answers too. Arthur didn't stop him curious to hear what she would say and hoping it would clear up what was going on here. 'America' kept her eyes downcast still looking depressed as she responded sullenly.

"England's keys, they were in his pocket when I brought him home from the bar. He was so drunk I didn't want him to go home alone. So I stayed over, but I couldn't sleep so made myself some coffee-"

"You went through my cupboards?" England interrupted again his mind whirring as something clicked in his head. She flinched at the unexpected outburst, and then looking guilty she pouted.

"Well you were dead asleep, I couldn't ask you. Besides you make crappy coffee anyways"

He grabbed onto her shoulders and shook her. "America I told you never to go through my cupboards".

She squeaked as she was shook, grabbing onto the man's shoulders to stop him. Once she had understood what was said all sadness washed from her face. "You called me America! You believe me? I knew you would~" she hollered wrapping her thin arms around his neck and bringing him into a tight bone crushing hug. Arthur winced; yes she certainly was America, trademark strength and all.

Alfred stood by watching all this with rising anger. He stomped over, grabbed the woman by the collar of her shirt (actually wasn't he wearing that last night..?) prying her away and stepping between the two. "Stop smothering England with your cow tits lady! For the last time, I am the one and only United States of America. Don't confuse Iggy, he's old and nearly senile. How do you know so much about us, are you are Russian spy? "

England sputtered indignantly at the comment as the female America growled cutting him off.

"Don't you compare me to that creepy commie bastard! I'm America!"

"No I am!"

The British nation groaned. _'Not this childish rubbish,'_ he thought. They weren't starting that argument again, were they?

"I AM"

They were.

"SHUT YOUR BLOODY TRAP YOU ARE BOTH AMERICA," hollered an irritated Arthur. If he didn't put his foot down they would probably go on for hours. Calmly he grabbed both of their arms and dragged them to sit at the dining table, America on one end and 'Ameriko' on the other. Both blonds proceeded to glare at each other from their respective sides making what could only be described as very rude and very American gestures while the English nation was not looking. If England hadn't settled down in a seat between them they would have likely been at each other's throats once more. "Now," Arthur spoke using his no-funny-business tone of voice, "I believe I can explain what caused this little fiasco here".

This got their attention. "Awesome! I'll go kick this crazy skitzo out then," America declared pointedly getting out of his seat.

"_Alfred,_" hissed the green eyed blond in a low deadly voice, "sit down and shut up before I strangle you with your own entrails".

The tall nation gulped and slowly lowered back into his seat as the only female in the room struggled to suppress a snicker. Clearing his throat Arthur began his explanation.

"It seems that you America," he addressed his small audience, "have been magically split into two separate entities. This is probably because you rifled through my cupboards against my wishes". Both Americas muttered something to the effect of being in serious need of coffee being their excuse. "I don't know how you managed to concoct a potion of this magnitude by accident but it has happened. The bad news is there is no reverse spell for something like this, but the good news is the potion will wear off on its own."

The newly split nation of America let out joint sigh of relief.

"So when will I—_we_ get back to normal?" Ameriko asked gesturing vaguely to her recently acquired parts; it took all of Arthur's concentration not to stare mindlessly at them.

Coughing into his fist he looked about the room at the ceiling, the floor, the table, just anywhere that kept him from making eye contact with either Americas. "Well, if you are lucky it could be anywhere between a few hours to a few days. At most it could be a few years".

Jaws dropped, chairs pushed back, fists raining down on the tabletop, curse words raining down, and wild exclamations filled the air once more.

"...NO"

"Shut _UP_,"

"A few years? I can't be stuck like this for—"

"A FEW YEARS?"

"I have breasts for fucks sake and a v—"

"VIDEOGAME, this is just like one of those fucked up videogames Kiku always lends m—"

"ME! Why ME! I'm too awesome for t—"

"This is not funny anymore! Arthur!"

"ARTHUR"

"**This is all your fault"** they shouted in unison, the Brit staring at them with hands up in defence.

"You know very well it's not my fault you got into this mess," he said standing up now feeling short just sitting down between the seemingly towering nations now standing at his sides. He wasn't just going to let America put all the blame on him just because he multiplied over night. "It was not _I_ who just had to drink coffee during unholy hours of the night. It was not _I_ who disobeyed instructions set in place for my own good," he insisted, counting his points on his fingers as he spoke. With a world weary sigh the Englishman ran a hand through his choppy blond locks, "look I doubt it will be _years_ but it could take a while so I will help you through this since I indirectly played a hand in this"

An unusual veil of quite set over the group as both Americas seemed to mull over their fate. Thankfully the increasingly uneasy silence was broken by a sharp knock at the door, all eyes turned towards the direction of the sound. "I'll get it," the owner of the house stated, grateful for an excuse to escape. He started to walk out of the room but belatedly added an almost fatherly, "behave". Both Americas threw each other a short look at one another before averting their eyes and folding their arms.

"Fat ass," grumbled Ameriko.

"Cow."

Once at the door Arthur made sure his robe was properly closed before undoing the locks and swinging the door open. In the doorway stood one of his assistants, a young woman with long blonde pigtails and glasses. As usual the girl was dressed professionally, pencil skirt, elegant black work pumps and a crisp white blouse with a black blazer over all pressed to perfection as expected of those who worked for him.

"Oh good morning Alice," he greeted with a business smile despite his very informal attire. He was not expecting her to drop by to give him the day's agenda for another hour or so.

Seeing her nation in inadequate clothes she raised a plucked brow. "Sir, why aren't you dressed yet?" the serious young woman demanded her lips curved in a slight scowl.

Arthur scratched his chin bewildered by her reply, "I have a few more hours, don't I?" .

"Well it's... 7:54 now," his prim assistant replied glancing at her wristwatch.

His green eyes widened, he was dealing with this debacle for longer than he realized. The world meeting was to begin at 9, and there was plenty of traffic on the streets right now there was no way they would make it to the meeting in time. He groaned, he was the host for this meeting, he should have been there _early_. "Alfred!" he shouted back into the house a blond head peeking out from the kitchen, "get dressed we are going to be late!"

"Roger!" America replied bounding up the staircase. Thankfully Alice did not ask why the current world power was shirtless and gallivanting around his house but she did give Arthur a weird look when a barely dressed woman appeared from the same room as well. Alice had heard her country was a pervert but she never imagined...

"I'll get ready too," Ameriko chimed following her male counterpart up the stairs.

"No! You stay home," he ordered not bothering to explain the situation to his rightly confused assistant.

"But it's my job, I can't just miss it," she insisted.

"What would you even wear?" Arthur challenged.

"I could borrow your suit... Oh," she stopped. She had forgotten she was a woman, it would be really awkward if she showed up at a meeting in menswear.

"Exactly, so stay home," the Englishman commanded.

Ameriko bit her lip searching her brain for something to allow her to attend the meeting. She couldn't just miss the meeting she was half of America, she had to go. Even if she was a woman now it didn't make her any less America than Alfred. When she cast her gaze back to the doorway it hit her. A determined grin stretched her face as she reached over the staircase and pointed a finger at Arthur's assistant, "I'll borrow _her_ clothes."

A perplexed Alice glimpsed between Arthur and the female America, a small "me?" escaping her lips. England groaned looking at the ground. Knowing his ex-colony she would not back down if they set their mind on something. Arthur threw his assistant an apologetic half smile.

"Sorry Alice, I'm going to need those clothes..."

**Authors Note:** Here you go my lovelies! A longer chapter for you C: Yes, if you didn't already figure it out this is a fic with Fem!America aka Ameriko as a character. I have yet to see anyone write a story where a nation coexists with their female counterpart in the same story so I had to jump at the chance to write this. If you guys didn't notice this chapter also had Fem!England aka Igiko as a minor character. I just felt it would be fair if I included her for a little tid-bit there C: I have to say that thus far I think the female versions of hetalia characters are really... flat in this fandom, in a personality sense. I'll try my best to pump some more life into them as individuals instead of crude near duplicated of their original versions, kay? Kay.

I forgot to explain this in the last chapter. Female America speaks in more northern accents because she represents the northern half of the USA. The original America represents the southern part, hence the southern accents. Also the southern part of the USA includes Florida and Nantucket so it all ties in C:

Here is a list of possible pairings to follow. I have a storyline planned so these are subject to change:  
USxUK  
Fem!USxUK

Yes, I know. It's a short list XD

With that said I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, I enjoyed writing it. Reviews, crits and suggestions are much loved 3


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